these few days at home have been like a long break for me. i really needed this break. i mean, on friday, i broke down like crazy and couldn't stop crying. maybe that's the reason why i'm sick. all the pressure is laying on me. no matter how hard i want something, and how much effort i put in, things just don't go my way. i seriously hate it when others don't even put in any effort and just get it, that's it. while i put in so much effort and work but still, i get nothing. nothing at all. i'm pissed. life isn't fair. well, it's not suppose to be is it?

these three days has got me thinking about lots of stuff, leaving me really confuse and fucked up now. i am just so freakingly stupid. STUPIDSTUPIDME. he is not worth crying over and he's over. OVEROVEROVER. ihatehimihatehimihatehim. yes i do. but everytime i try to, it just goes the opposite. not this time, no way. so he's going to fuck off my life and disappear forever. however, i would be much happier if i could punch him whenever i see him around in school. oh ya right, i could do that.

besides that, i think i am really stupid. doing things for people and i get NOTHING. NOTHINGNOTHINGNOTHING AT ALL. all they do is just thank me and that's it. and when i need help, where are these people? WHERE!? no one is ever there when i need someone to comfort me. JUST FREAKING NO ONE. i am all alone by myself. all i can do is cry cry cry. CRY LIKE FUCK. no one even bother about me. YES, BECAUSE I'M FUCKING UGLY AND FAT, SO YOU CAN JUST IGNORE ME AND PRETEND I'M TRANSPARENT. yes, go ahead and do that, i don't fucking give a damn anymore.

this morning, i had a bad dream, i guess. i dreamt that i married a quite good-looking guy, but i wasn't willing to because i didn't love him. then these ghost kept disturbing me. one evening, my husband went out for a course. i couldn't take the pressure and nonsense these ghost were doing for me, i remembered i had a big blanket that could protect me, so i took it out and asked my mother in law to help me cover it over the kitchen window with masking tape. then my handsome big brother came back and helped me, because these ghost were too strong. so he helped me chant something and i had to look into his red eyes. then, these ghost disappeared.

i was seriously frighten and thought i had died, but i woke up. i guess the dream did tell a story about what i am going through now, doesn't it? but i don't have a handsome big brother. well actually, i'm suppose to have one big brother, but he died while he was in my ma's stomach, so ya. oh well, better stop talking about these bad stuff. i don't want my ma to come back and see my crying like shit.

and i remembered i forgot to post photos about MASSA and RAIKKONEN. :].